You know you have problems when...

This is a follow up to the "I need to get out more" post.

1. You know you have problems when you experience anxiety because you might miss who got kicked off of "Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels" because you are trying to find out what will happen on the next episode of "Gone Country," the new fantastic reality show featuring celebrities who want to make country music (Maureen McCormick, Dee Snider and Bobby Brown, most notably). You don't even LIKE Bret Michaels. Why do you care who will no longer be able to strip for him? Because you have problems.

2. You go to get your new but old as hell car registered. You draw number "76." You're told you need to drive 3 miles to get your car inspected. You spot number "70" walking out the door to have his car inspected. You peel out of the parking lot and race number "70" to the inspection station and get inspected well ahead of him. You're not worried about the fact that the large number of miles on the car alone could disqualify you from the ever-coveted Kansas Registration, noooooooooo... not you, Sicko! You are only worried about being faster than the dreaded "70."

You find yourself cursing the paperwork guy because he's going slower than the paperwork guy number "70" got. Number "70" sneers at you when his paperwork guy asks YOUR paperwork guy to look something up on the computer, thus hindering your registration race victory. Number "70" sneaks out the door 10 seconds before you. Now you're full-on pissed because the only road to victory is a two lane street and there is no way you can pass "70." Karma gives you the middle finger as you get caught at every red light. You pull into the parking lot with your heart pounding, only to find number "70" streaking into the building. You're disappointed. You're mad. You curse yourself for your loss because, well, you have problems.

I think I need to get out more.

Here's why:

1. Lauren and I had a slumber party last night because Joe and Dylan were at the Boy Scout Lock In. Since 7:00 last night, I have seen "High School Musical 2" FOUR TIMES. By the fourth showing, I actually found Zac Efron kind of cute (he does this thing where he slides a basketball down his back and continues to dance with it to upbeat music, you should see it). I felt kind of like Michael Keaton in "Mr. Mom." Or a little like Mary Kay LeTourneau.

"I'm losing it. Lauren and I are watching the same shows.

AND I'M LIKIN' EM!"

2. I had a client at noon, and afterwards we went to The Great Mall of The Great Plains (Joe calls it the Mediocre Mall of the Great Plains). This mall does not do the business that it was hoping it would and a ton of its stores are closing (I know I am personifying the Mall, but we feel kind of sorry for it because it's sort of the loser child of Malls). There is this AWESOME store there called "Enchanted Gifts." I think everyone who works at the Renaissance Festival shops there. They have swords, numchuks, brass knuckles, knives, lots of pictures with sparkly unicorns, dragon statues, tarot cards, and dare I say, the BEST incense in the world. I love incense, so anytime I can find quality stuff I'm thrilled.

Well, we got there and the store was gone. My heart dropped! This mall is set up like a huge square, so I complained and whined all the way around the huge square that my most favorite incense store was gone. I inspected the incense at "Earth Traders," and it just wasn't the same. I crumpled my nose in disgust and walked out.

We had just rounded the last corner and I said, "Well, this was a bust." At that moment, we crested the carpeted mall ramp hill and it was like we'd discovered Excalibur! ENCHANTED GIFTS HAD MOVED! AND EXPANDED!!

Yes, the Enchanted Gifts store seems to be the only store in the entire Mediocre Mall that is doing really well. Apparently there are more people out there who need incense, swords and sparkly unicorns than I thought.

I picked out 40 of my favorite incense flavors (20 for $2.00) and a huge box of Nag Champa. I gushed the entire time to the ponytailed owner about how excited I was that he was not only still open, but doing really well. I think he was like, "OK Lady, I get it. You like incense." Geez!

The Nag Champa is burning brightly and I am smiling!

Are the Blogger people trying to tell me something?

My profile keeps saying my industry is "Accounting." I've tried to change it to all sorts of interesting occupations, but it always goes back to Accounting.

Do they know something I don't know?

He's a heartbreaker, dreammaker, lovetaker... Don't you mess around with her!!!

Lauren was officially dumped by Will today. Will has taken up with a certain blonde-haired girl named Avery. He actually ignored her after school while indignantly introducing Avery to his sister in front of Lauren. In front of ME!!

Lauren was dev. a. stat. ed.

So was I! I think I loved Will more than she did! Now I want to wring that little jerk's neck! How dare he treat my baby girl that way? Lauren later informed me that Will told her he was "friends with Avery now and he would never be her friend again forever."

We all discussed possible responses Lauren could give to Will tomorrow on the playground. Joe suggested, "I won't be ignored, WILL," A La "Fatal Attraction." Leave it to Joe to give the inappropriate answer. He also suggested that she say, "Someday you will come crawling back to me, and find that this ship HAS SAILED." If only I'd had Joe as a relationship coach in my early adolescence! Dylan suggested saying, "I like you, too." He says his tactic is to confuse the enemy. I suggested she say, "When you're ready to be nice, let me know," and then walk away and act like she was having the best time ever. If my daughter is going to learn anything from me, it will be the invaluable lesson of NOT pursuing a man.

I don't know what will happen with Will. Lauren says she is clinging to the hope that they will be "back together soon." Her own words. I swear.

I just did my best to hug her and validate her. All the while thinking, "That little snake!"

We're back in the saddle again...

This is our first week back in our routine, and we are finding ways to inject joy and laughter into our lives. A few examples:

• Lauren using her 2- part candy ornament to make "boobs." This kept everyone in stitches for a long time, no matter how inappropriate it was.
• Playing "Clue" and using British accents (Bless anyone who has ever been oppressed by the power of an 8 year old with Colonel Mustard in his ranks).
• Letting both kids stand on the end of the big Costco cart and spinning them around in circles.
• The Saturday night "James Brown Dance Off." Video to be posted later when I can figure out how to do it. Thankfully, I was holding the camera.
• Singing the "Hairspray"soundtrack at the top of our lungs.
• Carrying the children over our shoulders like sacks of potatoes.

I only have 25 weeks left of grad school. I have a feeling it will be the craziest 25 weeks of my life! Hang with me!