I know what you're thinking.

"That cut doesn't look that bad."

"That looks like a broken fingernail, she's exaggerating."

"Surely she can hit the space bar with her left hand and pull her pants up with another finger."

No, she can't, and don't call me Shirley.

I'd cut off my thumb to spite my hand. WARNING - DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY GROSSED OUT!

I hosted some of my grad school friends at my house today for brunch. I knew for sure that I would be serving "The Bacon Experiment," which is a new style of bacon I've been working on. I had tested it at home with Joe several times but had never served it to anyone else. It was yummy. If you'd like to participate in the "The Bacon Experiment," please contact me and we'll get you all set up. Someday I'd like to have a bed and breakfast where I could do "The Bacon Experiment" every day.

But bacon is beside the point right now. The other dish I decided to serve was an Asparagus Mushroom Strata (named the Eric Estrata by my friend Amanda), one of my favorite brunchy dishes. The Eric Estrata calls for french bread cubes, so I bought a big loaf and brought it home to cut up into cute little cubes last night. In the process of cutting, I sliced off part of the tip of my thumb. It hurt.

But my thumb hurting is beside the point right now. This injury has made me realize how much we need our thumbs! Here are things you will have trouble with if you ever slice off part of your thumb:

1) Putting on a bandaid by yourself.

2) Opening a package of bacon (this did not hinder the execution of "The Bacon Experiment" - I used a knife to open the package, which could have resulted in more pieces of my fingers being cut off, but "The Bacon Experiment" is worth the risk).

3) Pulling down your pants to go to the bathroom. If you haven't noticed, the thumb acts as a hook. The other fingers are not quite as comfortable playing the "hook" role.

4) Getting toilet paper off the roll. Sorry, it's the truth. I roll with reality here.

5) Rummaging through a drawer. Yes, rummaging hurts.

6) Taking comparison pictures of your uninjured thumb and your injured thumb.

Good Thumb.

Bad Thumb.

7) Pulling a debit card out of your wallet. OH MY, I was so unaware of what my thumb was doing all those times I pulled that card out!

8) Washing your hair. I'd never been aware until today that this is really a two-handed job. I wonder what other unknown two handed jobs are out there for me to discover?

9) Typing. Especially the space bar, which before today, I never knew I used my left hand for. Yes, I'm suffering for my art today.

10) Washing your hands. There is no rubbing or scrubbing. Only a delicate touch to make sure you don't hit it. This is sort of interesting, because I know my hands need to be clean, but I'm a little concerned that my light hand washing may not be enough. I guess we'll know in a few days if an infection breaks out.

Thanks for joining me on this very special edition of

"Opposable Thumbs: They Really DO Make A Difference."

Awww, Moses and the Tablets!

I had the extreme pleasure of seeing one of the most inappropriate women on the planet tonight. One of my dearest, most generous friends shared one of her last-minute-acquired Kathy Griffin tickets with me. We had a great girls' night out, a couple of super-stiff frozen margaritas (KJ had Strawberry Daquiris) and lots of laughs.

Kathy Griffin, I know you will never read this blog, but you inspire me to be myself in spite of the judgments of others.

K. J., I am so grateful for your friendship and your non-girly presence! I will always prevent you from wearing your big pants even if I don't have the fashion sense to improve your wardrobe. xoxoxo

Okay, FINE! I'M OLD!

I'm 38 today. I remember when I was a little girl and the adults in my life would try to blow off their birthdays.

I get it now.

First Day!

We began with a bang, so we must end with a bang.

You probably remember Dylan's high dive fall and ER visit on May 30, the beginning of summer vacation. Tonight is the end of summer vacation, and we bookended the break in true Thompson fashion.

After a day at the pool, we headed over to the school for the Ice Cream Social. They had a fire engine spraying water, moonwalks, ice cream (obviously), games and hair painting. Lauren decided to take her shoes off after playing in the water and subsequently stepped on a nail. Granted, it was a nail that came off a Pinewood Derby wheel, but it hurt and she was really upset.

We decided to take her to Urgent Care because she hadn't had a tetanus shot that I was aware of. The doctor examines her and says, "I'm most concerned about foreign body contamination." I'm thinking, "WHAT? WHAT IS THAT?" Then I stop myself and translate from doctor language to human language... he was worried that part of the nail had broken off in her foot. Ok, fine, off to the x-ray we go.

After ruling out foreign body contamination, the doctor said we could check out. I asked him, "Well, doesn't she need a tetanus shot?" He said, "She's had all her vaccinations, so no. The tetanus vaccination came when she had her D-TAP." D-TAP? Hmm. That sounds familiar.

The DIP TET. How many freaking times have I seen "Raising Arizona" and joked about my kids getting their DIP TETS at the doctor???? "They've gotta have their dip-tets, honey!"

I'm glad Lauren's okay. It's just so incredibly poetic that we started the summer vacation with an injury and ended with another.

We were like six little Fonzies.

We all stayed cool, even though Dylan's spectacular birthday plans had to change. We had planned to go to the local waterpark (Oceans of Fun) today. Dylan was going to take his friend Adam and Lauren was going to take Will. We woke up this morning to cloudy skies and a rainy forecast, so we decided to change our plans and go to POWERPLAY. You have to type it in all caps, because that's what POWERPLAY does to you. It's loud. It's overstimulating. It's frantic. It's POWERPLAY. The people who work at POWERPLAY give you cards to swipe at each game instead of using money (kind of like Vegas, when you have credits on the slots and you forget you're spending money).

POWERPLAY makes you, and everyone around you STARTTALKINGLIKETHISANDSWIPINGYOURLITTLEPOWERPLAYCARD
OVERANDOVERANDOVER,INFACTYOUSWIPEDANDRECHARGEDYOUR
POWERPLAYCARDSOMANYTIMESYOUQUICKLYFORGOTHOWMUCH
MONEYYOUWERESPENDING.NOTTOMENTIONALLTHEFOODYOUATE
ATTHEUNLIMITEDPIZZA,TACOANDMASHEDPOTATOBUFFET.

I'm going to have nightmares tonight of little kids reaching for my pocket saying, "SWIPE THE CARD, MAMA! SWIPE THE CARD!"

At the end of the day, we had the following:

1) Four happy, overstimulated kids
2) Two overstimulated adults in dire need of a drink
3) Two whoopie cushions (one broke in the car on the way home, awww shucks)
4) Two sets of yucky "hilbilly teeth" (no offense to my hilbilly readers, it's just what the teeth were called)
5) Four matching bracelets
6) One magic popping eyeball
7) One whistle (thankfully this went to Will's house... sorry Lisa and Pete!)
8) Six rubber bouncy balls (none of them can be located at this time.... the dog may have eaten them... I'll get back to you)
9) Two plastic frogs that seem to have no purpose or function
10) Two pieces of candy
11) One female adult whose competitive side came out while shooting little boys and girls in lazer tag
12) Two adults who realized they really need to improve their long-lost "Galaga" skills

Overall, the day was a success. I can't believe our son is almost NINE years old.